I finished a first draft of my dissertation! I still have a long way to go before turning in the final version (cries) but I am excited to have reached this stage (yay)! 

I got to this point with lots of love and support and by focusing on small, baby steps. Shortly after presenting my prospectus, I wrote an ideal “dissertation timeline”. I decided that each semester, I would focus on a specific chapter. Within each semester, I worked towards achieving monthly milestones. I broke those milestones down even more by having weekly goals to focus on every day. I set out to write one chapter at a time, one section at a time, one sentence at a time, one word at a time. This approach helped me feel prepared and confident.  

Throughout my journey, I turn to God for strength and guidance. I’ve also been supported by writing companions who are kind, incredibly funny, and supportive. Meeting with them just about weekly has made all the difference.

I am a bit behind on my original dissertation timeline because…well…a lot has happened. Even so, I learned to make the most out of each day by focusing on what I could control, on what I could bring myself to do. Tiny habits developed into routines that allowed me to create a first, solid draft of each element. Because of this baby-step-focused process, when I put everything together in one document, it felt…surreal. After properly formatting everything and finalizing the table of contents I thought “Wait a minute, I did this?” I re-read everything— Introduction, Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, and Conclusion— and yes! I did that, my draft actually looks like a real dissertation!

How do I feel? I feel…I feel…all the feels. 

I know I am not alone in feeling emotional. We’ve been on quite the collective human experience in the last year or so. We’ve had to reckon with devastation and loss caused by an ongoing pandemic, terror and hatred reaped by Trump’s shamelessly harmful presidency, and unimaginable suffering generated by injustice. Not to mention day-to-day worries or troubles. It’s all a lot to process. 

In the midst of all this, I wrote the first draft of my dissertation. My therapist tells me I should feel proud of myself. And, I do. But, I also feel exhausted, relieved, excited, hopeful, nervous, sad, blessed. More than anything, though, I feel grateful.

I feel grateful to God and my community of loved ones—my family, my sweetheart, my writing group, my friends, my peers, my mentors, and my committee. I feel thankful for everyone checks in, cheers me on, and wishes me well.

While I wait for my main advisor’s feedback, I give myself permission to focus on the kind of positivity and love that gratitude makes possible. I give myself permission to choose joy. I give myself permission to practice patience and self-care. I also reactivated my instagram account! I give myself permission to be more present and intentional with my time and energy. I will celebrate reaching this milestone by reading (for fun!), writing poems, and basking in sunshine as much as possible (though, Los Angeles winter is very much here…I am wearing my fiancé’s beanie…indoors. No comment).

I hope this post encourages fellow PhD students to keep going! Your small and consistent steps are adding up. You are doing it! Trust the process and believe in yourself.

Con cariño,

Jenesis