I connect with others.
At some point in your PhD program, you might ask yourself: why did I ever choose this road-less-traveled? Robert Frost made it sound incredibly noble and heroic but, if he’d pursued a doctorate, would The Road-Not-Taken even exist? The isolating nature of PhD programs can make this journey feel long, challenging, and completely out of the norm compared to what most people around you are doing. When this happens, try to keep in mind that this is a very particular time in life when you get to focus on a project that means a lot to you. The more time you have to yourself for research, reading, and writing—the better! When this forced optimism fails, remember that you are not alone. Good company beats isolation.
Here are a few things I do to avoid becoming a hermit:
I reach out to my loved ones. When I went to college, I moved away from my family. When I left for graduate school, I moved away from my boyfriend and my beloved college community (even further away from my family). This affected me more than expected. If I could go back in time, I would have called, e-mailed, texted, FaceTimed, snail mailed, etc. a lot more to tell my loved ones that I missed them. I would have told them about how stressed out I felt. I would have told them how much I wished I was someplace else doing anything else. It took me a long time to be okay with being vulnerable. It took me a long time to realize that I should allow others to do for me what I so quickly and lovingly do for them. Now, I courageously and consistently reach out. This simple act reminds me that I am not alone.
I meet with a writing group. This one is relatively new! I recently moved back to Los Angeles to work on my dissertation. My program administrator and I knew it would be important for me to connect with a PhD community once I started writing. Since I am now many miles away from my Harvard cohort and peers, I followed his advice and reached out to American Studies & Ethnicity PhD students at the University of Southern California to ask if anyone was interested in being part of a writing group with me. Thankfully, a few brave souls replied to my e-mail and said yes! We’ve met once a week for about 2 months now. Learning about each other’s projects, discussing our PhD experiences, and giving each other writing feedback has strengthened my motivation. This meeting is one of my weekly highlights!
I step out of my comfort zone to make new friends.*** Okay, this one should probably have a million little asterisks because it is the one I struggle with most. However, I am going to go ahead and practice some self-compassion here because my hesitancy to make new friends was caused by an especially negative experience. I’ve made some strides since then, but for the most part, that experience impacted my ability to build and sustain new friendships. I lived in Cambridge, MA for about 5 years (oh my goodness I’ve been working on this PhD forever…) and I made just about one friend for every year. Not bad, but, not great. As a result of my legitimate-but-nonetheless-detrimental-reluctance to go beyond a “Hello, how are you? Nice weather we are having here!” (except I rarely said even that because the weather was mostly not nice lol) I know I missed out on getting to know some great people. This is something I’m really working on though and I hope it gets easier over time.
I spend quality time with friends and family. I could also be better at this! Nothing beats loneliness than being in the company of good people. Working in solitude is productive and necessary but I also do my best to make time for people I appreciate and love. Amidst the hustle and bustle of our day to day, it can be easy to forget that life is, in fact, not eternal. Tomorrow is not guaranteed for any of us. Spending quality time with people we love should be part of our busy schedules. My mom recently said something very powerful: “Sometimes all someone needs is for you to hold space for them and listen. Everyone needs someone to talk to about their life. Sometimes that person will be you, other times, that person will be someone you care about—always make time for those conversations.”
Connecting with others and keeping good company help me battle loneliness and build community. I would not be ABD (all-but-dissertation) without others’ advice and “échale ganas”/”you have what it takes!” Connecting with others is not always easy, but why not take a chance?
Think about someone you’ve been meaning to connect with and reach out to them. I encourage you to go out of your way to connect with others in the coming weeks and make actual plans to block off in your calendar. You are worthy of good company. Remember that no matter how lonely you feel, you are never alone.
Con cariño,
Jenesis
Photo by Alexis Brown on Unsplash